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Pratik's Guide to Incredible India

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My Friend's Girlfriend

 Not being blessed with good looks  can be a deterrent  in life. It’s worse for girls, but since, I have no insight into girls’ psyche, I will stick to boys. Not having good looks exponentially reduces your chances of scoring with girls. So, to get laid either you have to severely compromise on the quality of girls or you have to pray to lord Jagannath and fast every Monday to get lucky. In spite of trying ardently, I could not hook up with anyone. So, I concluded that love and girls were not for me. The tragedy of life is that love is nothing like Eric Segal’s novels- eternal experience, salvation of soul, togetherness until death and other crap. It’s more like toilet calls. It occurs regularly and the more you avoid, the greater is the urgency for it.
My friend fell in love though. And unlike many unfortunate people like me, the girl also fell for him. Thus, my friend ended up with this girl ,Arushi  Chaddha  (no, she has nothing to do with Arushi murder case,though her name reminds me of the fact that CBI is a ‘jhund’ organization and shouldn’t even be  allowed to take the case of missing lunch boxes in primary schools)


ARUSHI CHADDHA, a brief description:-


-Daddiji owns Kirodimal stores all over south Delhi. So, is rich. But, more like Hyundai -i 20 rich, not Mercedes C class rich.
-Uncle’s sister in law’s brother’s wife has seen Japan(and she believes it’s something the entire nation should know).
-elder brother is an NRI. Lives in Bangladesh.
-big fan of Shahrukh Khan and Robert Pattinson (why the fuck am I not surprised).
-smarter than most of the girls in Orissa.
-fairer than most of the girls in Orissa.
-regularly visits places like CCD and Barista. Places, local boys take their girlfriends only after they ‘ve promised to blow them.

Somewhere down the line, I wasn’t happy with my friend‘s relationship with Arushi. For one, seeing your friend holding hands with a hot chick isn’t exactly a great sight, stirs up bad emotions. Secondly, it’s too risky to date girls who have been in relationships before, because these girls have both experience and expectations .That’s where my boy made the mistake .He fell for a girl whose list of boyfriends is longer than the list of Rasputin’s rape victims.
 
After my friend started dating, the person whose life got messed the most was mine.I was made to follow them everywhere they went. I don’t know why ,may be because they didn’t want to feel cheap in public places or may be my friend wanted me as a witness  so that in case his girlfriend dumps him he could use me as an alibi and bitch about her.
People after commitment become disgustingly boring. The only thing they talk about is their girlfriend. I mean ,why the fuck should I care if her mom was a beauty pageant winner in her college days or that her friend’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s boy friend was caught with a chick by police behind some bushes in Barunei or that she has a participation certificate from Ramdev baba’s yoga  competition .Here’s the thing. Never tell your friend about your girlfriend or/and your love problems. Because no matter how good a friend he is of yours ,he gives jack shit about your love issues unless of course if you are planning to include him in a threesome.
When my friend didn’t talk about his girlfriend he talked to his girlfriend. And he made me listen to their conversations. During those difficult times I felt like  thanking the Russians for inventing  the Russian roulette and hoped these two start playing the game till one or both of them drop dead. There was this one time when she called during our exam time.
Arushi- hi,baby .whatzzz you doing?
My friend-nothing, studying for exams.
Arushi- you know yesterday I went to LEELA’S and they had this dress which looked exactly like the one Emma stone was wearing at the Comicon.
My friend-listen, I really need to pass tomorrow. so,if you  could stop fucking my future and  hang up I would be grateful
Arushi-jaa saale behenchhod tujhse baat nahi karti………………
A word of  advice. Never date a girl from Delhi. She might be hot and all, but she for sure knows more slangs than you. Kind of hurts your ego.


There was this other time when Arushi wanted three of us to  have dinner at some fancy  restaurant. Neither me nor my friend was interested because let’s face it, for guys like us, who had never been beyond dhabas ,mainland china was a rather costly affair. But she kept pestering us and one day dropped by unannounced  and  asked us to get ready. When my friend resisted, she said “baby if Michelangelo had said no every day, he would never have painted the sixteen chapel”.
I blurted out-“first of all that’s Sistine chapel and not sixteen chapel, but I don’t see why you would care”
She stared at me and then at her boyfriend and said” your friend is such a snob. If he thinks he is such a smartass then why is he studying at that third rate college”. It was one of those moments when you feel like jumping off the building only to realize that it’s a one storied building and the best you can achieve is a broken leg. And now, that I am about to complete my education I don’t know how  a physically handicap quota will help me.


Anyways we went to mainland china to  eat.I don’t know ,may be the girl thought we had won the grand prize from  Shri Satya Sai lottery or something ,she started ordering items that the entire district of Kalahandi would never have heard of .the bill that came was my entire family’s monthly grocery bill. Etiquette says the girl shouldn’t pay. But fuck etiquette, we didn’t  have the money. And besides, who owns Kirodimal stores in Delhi, my father or her father. My friend asked if i had enough money.
I replied” dude, nowadays I don’t even have enough money to watch porn at Daljit’s café.”
We, however managed the money and escaped dreadful possibilities. After that they dated for a few months and then broke up. It was nothing dramatic. The usual run off the mill stuff. We passed out of our college. She got bored of my friend and started dating some guy from her college. My friend started calling everyone he knew and told them what a slut she was, cried for a few days and then went back to beer, porn and Floyd.


From the above story we conclude love can be dangerous. Love can lead to slap from parents, gossip of neighbors, jealousy of friends if your girl is hot and humiliation if she is not, academic failure, economic downfall, heart burn and in some cases genital herpes or gonorrhea .So, don’t fall in love because simple laws of physics have taught us no matter where you fall or into what you fall, you are bound to get hurt.

WHAT NOT TO DO TO IMPRESS WOMEN

The world suffers from global terrorism, migration, environment pollution, race bias, resource crunch. Amidst the chaos humanity keeps asking the same question it has been asking for millions of years now …………………………How to screw women? How to score? How to get laid? Because no matter what the state of the world is or would be, no matter how many tsunamis, Katrinas or earthquakes come and go ,any man with a functional libido has only one problem of prime and immediate importance,..Women. But guys, this column isn’t about that. If you want to know how to impress girls write in your queries to   grihashobha or if you are capable of understanding words such as euphemism and thingamajig then go for Vogue or call the radio jockey of your station. The guy addressing your problem has never been within 50 meters of distance of a woman or  is probably gay .He will tell you “impress her with your personality , be more expressive of your and always remember, true love always wins”. In short crap lifted off from mills & boons. And only gays read mills and boons. If you have Mills and Boons in your rack, or Twilight or a walk to remember, and then beware fellas, Ramdev doesn’t like your type. There is a high probability he might become the PM and then you will be screwed. Now back to our problem. Indian males are pretty tolerant .they have adjusted to the fact that Indian women do not shave, most of them have excess facial hair ,some of them have moustaches, their bad fashion sense, their constant low brows to boys who stalk them. They have suffered public humiliation and sometimes even jail. Yet they failed to score. This is my perspective on why success never kissed their asses and what not to do when you are trying on a woman.

Don’t try to be smart ass.women aren’t the next stage of evolution. They aren’t the most intellectual beings on earth. They are quite the contrary. So try talking Tolstoy and you will be risking virginity. You don’t expect women to appreciate your intellect. Because let’s face it people don’t generally appreciate virtues they don’t themselves possess.there must be some reason as to why no Nobel laureate, booker winner or nuclear scientist never landed on a hot piece of ass. Women go for rich people, famous people, and glamorous people but never for smart people.

Mr. KOOL? nobody fuckin cares  ……your listening to Black Sabbath doesn’t qualify you for a blowjob from the neighborhood girl. So, if you are hoping your mugging up the names of all the south park characters will  someday  help you screw a woman, then I think I have bad news for you. Women don’t find rock band freaks or movie fanatics interesting. Rather they find them boring. Because they can’t relate to it. The farthest woman civilization has gone in terms of moving arts is twilight. Plus, I have been personally looking for these pricks who believe listening to rock songs or watching Stanley Kubrick’s flicks elevates them to some effluent class, so that I can kick them in their already small balls  and shrink them further.

Don’t be a cheapo: women will happily eat even dog shit if it has a heavy price tag attached to it.so,take them to a restaurant that charges 85 fucking bucks for  a cup of coffee. Your intensity  of buying them gifts is proportional to the tenure of relationship. Wear expensive branded clothes no matter how comical the designs are. They are the first signal to a woman, telling “baby, I’ve got money”.

Facebook  can’t get you laid my dear: the reason Mark Zuckerberg  became a billionaire was that a group of a million nerds actually thought that sending anonymous friend requests to random women can help them lose virginity. How can liking the pics of her mom and dad on Facebook improve your chances anyways ?nevertheless  people keep pressing the like button on anything that comes up on a  chick’s profile page.

Blogging   doesn’t make you cool: people ask me about  tips on blogging(yeah ,that happens)
I tell them” don’t you have a life pissholes”. They tell me girls find it cool. Are you kidding me? Half the women on earth don’t even know what blogging means.real women hardly use internet. Whenever they do they use it  to check mehndi  designs on Google(trust me, true story)besides, bloggers are  the second most useless group on earth. The first ,well they are one sided lovers.you don’t require talent to be a blogger, you just need free time. Unemployed youngsters are most suited for these kind of activities. And the chance that she will actually go on to understand  the stuff you have written on your blog is like one in a million

Never tell a girl that she is wrong: girls are creatures with low self esteem. They show off  by wearing  branded clothes, picking up fake accents ,deliberately talking in English in public places to sound cool, because this is their only way to impress. So, they talk about how they spent their holidays in Hawaii, about some fat ass uncle who bought them some branded  dress whose name they can hardly pronounce, the number of guys who are stalking them. So, never tell them that wearing jeans with floral designs is considered fashionable only in Congo,and its not  biskoot  it’s biscuit. People don’t like being told that their desperate attempts at being cool are actually a publicly displayed joke, especially girls.
Girls love foreign. Associate you with anything foreign and chicks will jump right into you. Here’s a sample

Girl 1:you know my boyfriend is in Gangtok
Girl 2: so, what does he do there.
Girl 1: who cares? As long as its Gangtok I don’t mind if he cleans the toilet there.
Girl2: can you even locate Gangtok on the map?
Girl l 1:no.but it’s somewhere in America.
Girl  2: honey ,Gangtok is in India
 Girl 1: oh! Bummer.

Myth:girls like handsome boys  with a good sense of humor.
Truth : girls like handsome boys  with a good sense of humor who have money to blow.

That ladies and gentlemen brings us to the end of this article.i can’t tell you  what to do to hook up with a girl.because if I knew I would be screwing my way through women rather than  writing stupid articles on shitty issues.and besides, how desperate you have to be to take advice on women from a virgin.
P.S :-“SWEETY SWEETY SWEETY tera pyaar chaaahidaa”- Delhi Belly

My experiments with social service

For the last 21 years I was too busy with self service to care for social service. But after this Anna Hazare movement I was highly inspired and also a bit surprised. Inspired, because it brought down a system and made it to kneel before the common man. Surprised because Anna Hazare turned out to be a 70 year old man and not some 20 year old chick.(Now, after this joke on Anna Hazare, I might get kicked by the Delhites and kissed by Gujarat opposition leaders.)


Anyway, I suddenly realized ,apart from my urine I hadn't given much to society. So, I decided I would spend more time ,serving the needy and the poor, work for the upliftment of slum dwellers(-the ones who go to theatres and pass comments in a language ,upper middle class women have never heard of).Well, anyhow I came across this organization where youngsters like me volunteered for social cause. Sounds good. But as it turned out, it wasn't.

On my first visit, I entered their office- a multicolored one storied building with four rooms painted in bright colors. I was disgusted. I mean what sane person, if he is not gay, paints his walls with pink and orange colors. Similar rooms were last used in early 1920s for shooting Japanese porn flicks.

 I was there to attend their first meet of the year. As I entered the concerned room I saw 20 odd nerdy looking people .The meeting started. The founder and in charge of the organization started telling us how this organization came into being, how they had done some incredible social work, how  he  had been  honored in every country that is a part of the commonwealth and every country that is not.He went on for an hour. The people in that room had started bearing expressions ,which said   "go on, we stopped listening an hour ago”. Meanwhile I thought to myself, what the fuck was I doing there ,except for the fact that there were hot chicks in there. After the meeting they had a group discussion to plan for the various events which went somewhat like this.


…………………..."hey....ouchhh..........I say.......arrey,what listen to me ..............I think our propaganda..........that plantation program.......I have seen this ultimate video about cleaning in Estonia………….Estonia  my ass you fucker……………..how dare you call me a fucker,you whore………………..I personally believe in order to arrive at something  tangible we have to get rid of this boorish attitude, stop mucking up with the issues and  end this internecine sniping within the party…………………now why is that fucker talking in French………………………………………that ain’t  French you semi literate bitch……………………blah blah blah……………………………………fu@#................m@ther#@&*@#$....................teri maa ka..@#$@##..............................................

After 20 minutes of a fierce intellectual discussion the group failed to come to a conclusion. The leader of the pack however took control of the situation and laid down his ideas of what was to be done that year. Thus begun those 40 minutes of your life where you seriously start doubting the credibility of the timing devices around. The clocks and watches just didn’t seem like moving. It was 6 ‘o’ clock. On any other day, I would be listening to how one of my friends had an MMS of a former classmate or how my friend’s girlfriend wasn’t letting him bang her. But there I was, listening to much of what made  no sense to me. I focused on his speech for five minutes and then shifted my focus to ……….well, putting it modestly, the upper torso of the female body right in front of me. After he finished his speech, I started analyzing their plans. They were going  to plant trees on both sides of some highway, ask students from nearby English medium schools to come and read in a library they had created, and play tree man-a program where one of the volunteers dressed in a  tree costume roamed around in malls talking about importance of trees. I didn’t understand. I mean, what’s the point in planting trees on roads when Govt is going to cut them all within months in the name of road expansion. What’s the point in inviting children from upper middle class families to read, while millions of children are living a wretched life with no books, no food, no future. What’s the point in making some poor guy wear weird costumes and then make him roam in malls and ruin his chances of getting laid ever. Was it honest idiocrisy (as jay leno once said god must love idiots. He created so many of them) or was it deliberate hypocrisy.

I felt for those guys. Unfortunately, the feeling was nausea. Those guys like any other half baked self certified revolutionary were desperate. Desperate to help. Not some poor fellow being  but themselves. They were desperate to add meaning to their own nonexistent faceless state of being. This is a race to prove people that we are here, that we know and that we matter. The desperation in doing social service in youth is the same desperation they have to enter some shit show on MTV and get spanked by balding twins. The motive behind both these above endeavors  is same, the urgency to sound cool. Half a million good for nothing college students joined Anna Hazare page on facebook  hoping  some random chick would take notice and they would have a chance to score.

Some of my facebook friends are still supporting the Egypt revolution. Someone has probably forgotten to tell them that the revolution is long over. Same is the case with the gooks of the-you know what - organization and other so called youth movements where the need to respond to a social cause arises from self obsession.
And before I end, this “you know what “organization had some other baffling programs. The volunteers painted on public walls some weird stuff which nobody understood; though they strongly claimed they were on social issues. Those walls are currently being used by the local public for peeing. Another program was where people from different countries told stories to 8 year olds. Imagine an Israeli chick telling stories in English with a strong accent to children who can barely understand their own mother tongue .How the fuck did they pull that off, I could never know. I didn’t last that long.

{A SHORT MESSAGE TO MY FRIENDS OF” YOU KNOW WHAT” ORGANIZATION-it’s not cool to copy the logo of Navneet textbooks and the fat chick who was sitting next to me that day was smelling really bad. She should consider taking bath. Now you can all go back to your state of being pointless. Thank you}

cOnFuSioN,enGiNeERing,DebacLE!!!!

Some questions can be debated forever without any convincing answer, like whether Justin Bieber has got dick down his pants or tits under his shirt; or how on earth could  Dabaang be a hit. A similar question cropped up in my mind few days back. Should I have taken engineering as a career or could I have done better with my life. I was good in History, Geography or even English. I could have taken Arts. But the civil society of India refrains any self respected person securing more than 50% in his/her intermediate, from doing Arts. The Arts bracket now belongs to  guys who have decided to spend the rest of their lives off their dad’s  money to those unfortunate ones who couldn’t cheat enough to clear their +2 to those who have taken  the statement “education ruins intelligence” a bit too seriously.

 
Indian parents like Indian filmmakers, politicians and scientists lack originality and stuck to stereotype. Mine wanted me to study engineering. And I had to comply. However I had no idea that some 15, 93,763 odd dumbfucks also wanted to study engineering. The result was obvious. I didn’t get into the IITs, or the NITs, or the VIT or RV College or MS Ramiah or KIIT or Silicon or ITER or…………….OK STOP. The list is pretty long. My parents didn’t know what to do with my AIEEE rank which was also the population of Sikkim. The reasons of my failure were -  only 4896 seats in the IITs(hell,the tent house near my house has more number of seats),Late Mr. V P Singh’s political ambitions(the motherfucker introduced quota),tuition teachers who mugged up H C Verma  at night  and vomited  in front of us,Arihant books which were so costly I didn’t bother to buy them and of course my interest in college girls being a little more than the college books.

 
Amazingly after you have been rejected from each and every elite institution of the country you get a lot of choices in colleges. It is then pretty much like shopping for china made handsets. Looking at those colleges you can be sure that these colleges must have been designed by the students of those very colleges. There is therefore a cone shaped college, a pyramid shaped college, a cylinder shaped, and a brick shaped one and even some that roughly looked like male and female sex organs. Apparently the architects concerned had taken full liberty in molesting the college and the noble Euclidian Geometry with structural designs that wouldn’t have got approval even in Somalia. If there structures weren’t enough torture there was the names. Lovely, Maharaja, Black Diamond, Queen aren’t the names of Red Light areas around. They are the names engineering colleges. And the gals and guys studying there aren’t prostitutes and pimps though most of them might make you feel otherwise. Anyways I and my parents looked around for colleges that would be interested in taking me in. After much hassle a generous college was kind enough to grant me admission. My college, Krupajal, which by its name sounded more like Swami Nityanand ‘s ashram looked like BMC office in dire need of repair. It wasn’t exactly a “bhaiyaa ji smile” moment for me looking at my college. Nor did it help when my lecturers dictated notes in English only MLA’S of Bihar can relate to. But hell, fuck with it. My college and its cartoons require a 465 page novel on it which I am not interested in writing. Besides, I am not Chetan Bhagat who believes its cool banging your wife before marriage and the world deserves to know about it. The focus of this article is about private engineering colleges in my city and its students. Idiots from different spectrums of society gather in these colleges hoping that their nonexistent career and single digit marks will find some respect here.

 
 Students here can be divided into 2 broad categories. Boys and girls. (Other categories like gays, lesbians, transsexuals, cross dressers haven’t revealed themselves in public yet.)  Local girls hailing from places such as Kalahandi, Bolangir behave as if they are from Southampton or California. Girls from  Bihar behave like they are from Bihar. Then there are the guys. Three days into porn and they start believing that they are the most sophisticated guys on the plant. Wearing fake branded t shirts and embroidered jeans they roam around in second hand mopeds behaving like they deserve a hot girlfriend and a good fuck. Reality being tier -3 engineering students are like Nepali watchmen. People watch them but don’t take them seriously neither their job. 

 
Indian education system which hasn’t been taken seriously since Mountbatten died and Kapil Sibal’s deliberate experiments with education laws so that he can sit with Nidhi Razdan and explain why he fucked it up in the first place has left the engineering students and student fraternity of other fields well fucked with a curriculum that would make any decent educationist say” had you taken hashish when you were writing the syllabus. “Any ways after completing their degree the students from Orissa, Bihar go to Mumbai and likewise places to get thrashed by saffron wearing unemployed counterparts. Moral of the story is whether or not TCS has employed you as a part of its corporate social responsibility scheme,  your average Joe life as well as mine  sucks .Like it or not, we are all going to join the aam admi brigade.aam admi-the ones who cry each time onion price rises.

And finally…………………………………
 
No Google doesn’t visit my campus. No we are not a deemed university. My college didn’t have enough money to bribe the UGC guys. No I still do not  know the name of the chick who performed on star nite and yes her cleavage was visible.69% of the students of my university are still unemployed and yes engineering sucks.

DISCLAIMER:-The writer doesn’t intended to offend any community, caste ,religion or profession. All other shit that is displayed before a controversial movie is shown, is also included here. Besides a gentleman is one who can take a joke on him and not sulk……….or suck.