scene 1:The clock shows 9.Newshour gets displayed on T.V. screens.Arnab Goswami 's face appears.(30 million people across the country say"oh God! not again!" and switch off their tv sets.)
Arnab Goswami: Tonight at Newshour we are going to debate the common wealth games scam and joining us are our panel of ...........uhmmmm .well! ...esteemed guests, Laloo Prasad Yadav,Mulayam Singh Yadav,Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwary,Shashi Tharoor and Suresh Kalmadi,the chairman of IOC & CWG organising commitee.let me start with you Kalmadiji. You are being held responsible for the cwg fiasco.What is your defense?What is your say on this issue.]
Suresh Kalmadi:(What will i say after digesting millions of bucks?let me do what every politician does on being cornerd)
I think there is Pakistan's hands in it.
Arnab Goswami: Sir,how can you blame them?
Suresh Kalmadi: If they can blame us for anything and everything happening in their country from floods to match fixing to Zardari's common cold,why can't i?
Arnab Goswami: Let me move over to Mulayamji.What is your take on this whole issue?
Mulayam Singh Yadav: angrezi nahi chalegi.......angrezi hatao desh bachaao...........
Arnab Goswami: Sir ,but the topic is CWG not english education
Mulayam Singh Yadav: angrezi nahi chalegi.......
Arnab Goswami: Sir, but...................
Mulayam Singh Yadav: ANGREZZZZZZZI NAHIN CHHHAALLLEGIIIIIIIIII BOLL DIYE NAAAAAA......TO BOL DIYE.............
somewhere amidst the noises
Manish Tiwary :Arnab i believe........(voice trailing off as nobody actually cares as to what he believes)
Arnab Goswami: Sir,let me rebut you.............
Laloo Prasad Yadav :Arre budbak.Hum kahe dete hain no slang,what is this re'BUTT',re'BUTT'? Tohaar ghar mein maa bahinn naahi hai kya??
And what CWG you are talking about.......we want more salary otherwise consequences will be severe.
Arnab Goswami:(Literally crying out of frustration) For the last time the topic is CWG. now listen to me.........
Laloo Prasad Yadav :What listen to you......till today i haven't listened to Rabri,Bihar's public,Railway workers or even Soniaji.I should have gone to ndtv's left,right& centre.Atleast Nidhi Razdan is hot.
Arnab Goswami: Tharoor sir can we have your opinion on this issue.
Shashi Tharoor : CWG today has become an arduous task,with rivulets flowing out from the squalor of filth.The onus lies on those whose tones are still stentorian .The denouement of this saga we still await.
Arnab Goswami:?????
Laloo Prasad Yadav :??????
Mulayam Singh Yadav:??????
Manish Tiwary :???????
after exactly 90 seconds of confusion
Manish Tiwary :What did he just say...........italian?
Laloo Prasad Yadav :How do i know?......Go ask your soniaji
Shashi Tharoor :I believe the time for penitence has passed long before.Things have got obfuscated & need to be emancipated from past's emasculation.The need of the hour is to avaler from cynicism and awaken ourselves to the tantamount task of creating an elixir for saving the games from a bad omen.
(17 different people bang their heads on their tables on hearing this.
17 being the total no of people who actually dared to watch Arnab Goswami's show)
Meanwhile with an "i give a fuck to whatever is happening over here " look Lalooji starts talking
Laloo Prasad Yadav :How do we get rid of this Tharoor.Removing him from the ministry hasn't helped much.
Manish Tiwary :I have an idea.Ban Twitter.He will die from heart attack .
Laloo Prasad Yadav :By the way,Mulayamji why are you against angrezi.It is a means of development & progress.
Mulayam Singh Yadav: Aree humka nahi naa aati hai angrezi.Angrezi chalegi to hum kyaa ghantaa chal payungaa.Beda garat hui jaayegaa sasuraa.
Arnab Goswami: Where the hell is Suresh Kalmadi?
TIMES NOW Crew Member : He ran away during the break.We tried to stop him,but then we were told that Suresh Kalmadi was actually Usain Bolt in make-up.Apparently Kalmadi had appointed him to impersonate him and answer people's questions and run away in sticky situations.That might probably be the reason why Usain Bolt is not attending Delhi CWG.
Arnab Goswami: Due to inexplicable circumstances we are wrapping up for today.Gentleman thanks for joining.
After the show a sad man is found talking to himself
Manish Tiwary :No one listens to me,not Soniaji not Pranabji ,Not Chidambaramji & not even that Deepak Courasia's english prototype.I am the most helpless guy in the congress afer Manmohan Singh. God save us both & if possible, the games.
It might have well become the new mascot of rebellion and it has certainly increased unemployment concerns for AK-47's around the world.Poor guys no matter how deadly they might be, they have never been as successful as our hero.And guess what, it also helped save my ass.After screwing up every campus interview i appeared for,it was pretty obvious to me that i was on my way of joining millions of other gooks holding the banner"we've fucked ourselves.now lets blame it on the govt.-unemployed".But then the miracle happened.In case you have begun to feel i have smoked grass ,and have been talking shit all this while,then dumbos i am talking about the most revolutionary weapons of all times-"the shoe".Now,shoe throwing started in Iraq and soon became a means of revolt, an open declaration of war against the system.But as it turned out,the shoe helped the victims more than the attackers.Be it George Bush or Omar Abdullah, they all jumped from 4th page, bottom row, last column of the newspapers,straight to the front page with extra large photographs.In short their TRP increased exponentially.So much so, that Farooq Abdullah declared in public that he was proud his son was shoed, for he then joined the ranks of Bush & Zardari.I don't know why Mr. Abdullah was proud of his son being compared with Asif Ali Zardari.No, i am no cynic Indian allergic to the Pakistanis.It's just that i haven't forgotten Zardari's Mr. 10% stature yet. Anyhow,i decided to en cash this opportunity and became a contract shoer.Which in simple words means,i would shoe public figures, who have become so obsolete that even their neighbours donot recognise them anymore,in public to redeem their lost fame.The idea was an instant hit.
And all those politicians who wanted their not so fuckworthy faces to be up in the newspapers started dialing my number.And this is how it went.
Me : Hello.
Mayawati's Secretary : This is Mayawati's secretary calling.We are interested in the services you are providing.We want you to shoe behenji in a public meeting.
me : But why does she need to be shoed?
Mayawati's Secretary : Behenji has done a lot of bhaigiri these days and yet her dreams of being a national figure remains unfulfilled.
Yesterday while she was jogging a man came to her and asked" bhaisab time kya hua?"That day she realized,forget face people didn't even recognize her gender.The Taj corridor case & erection of her statues all over U.P hasn't helped much.Now she needs some thing to give her world wide web.... err sorry fame.
Me : ok sir,your job will done.
The next call was from India's original villian /comedian/crook neta Lalooji's office.
Laloo Yadav's P.A.: Sirji we have heard you make people famous.Please make our Lalooji famous too.
Me : But Lalooji is already very famous.
L
aloo Yadav's P.A.: No sirji.That was past.Present is very bad.Lalooji is in desperate need to be in people's eye.Why else do you think he was jumping like Jeetandra(minus the white boots) in the Parliament.He doesn't obviously want this pittance of a salary.He is a talented guy. He can make millions anyway.He has already shown his talent in chara ghotala scam & many others.What he wanted was attention.Mamata didi took railways from him & Nitish Kumar took Bihar from Rabriji.Since then, Lalooji has become an "aam admi".So "aam" that even the aam wallah doesn't give him footage.The only thing that is keeping him busy these days is Rabriji's night classes.He is taking her to night classes so that if she accidentally gets a ministry next time ,she would at least be able to read her oath on her own.But sirji, if you don't help us, Lalooji's political career will go down the gutter.
I agreed .And then i got another call.
Advani's P.A.: Sir this is Advaniji's P.A.
Me : Advani who?
Advani's P.A.: Former leader of BJP.
me : I thought that was Atalji who was the leader.
Advani's P.A.: Sir remember "majboot neta nirnayak sarkaar".Atalji's sidekick.
Please shoe him too.
Me : Yes, yes now i remember.But he hasn't done anything lately.What will i say?What for i shoed him?
Advani's P.A.: For the same reason, sir.For not doing anything.
I said yes to him.In fact i said yes to all of them.Whatever be their agenda our politicians are actually worthy of being shoed.But this made one thing clear. Politicians are that breed of dogs who can digest anything from guilt to shame to keep themselves alive.From Kashmir to Kalahandi they haven't left a single opportunity to politicize matters for their own interests at the bequest of innocent people(Rahul,Omar......listening??)
