My experiments with social service

For the last 21 years I was too busy with self service to care for social service. But after this Anna Hazare movement I was highly inspired and also a bit surprised. Inspired, because it brought down a system and made it to kneel before the common man. Surprised because Anna Hazare turned out to be a 70 year old man and not some 20 year old chick.(Now, after this joke on Anna Hazare, I might get kicked by the Delhites and kissed by Gujarat opposition leaders.)


Anyway, I suddenly realized ,apart from my urine I hadn't given much to society. So, I decided I would spend more time ,serving the needy and the poor, work for the upliftment of slum dwellers(-the ones who go to theatres and pass comments in a language ,upper middle class women have never heard of).Well, anyhow I came across this organization where youngsters like me volunteered for social cause. Sounds good. But as it turned out, it wasn't.

On my first visit, I entered their office- a multicolored one storied building with four rooms painted in bright colors. I was disgusted. I mean what sane person, if he is not gay, paints his walls with pink and orange colors. Similar rooms were last used in early 1920s for shooting Japanese porn flicks.

 I was there to attend their first meet of the year. As I entered the concerned room I saw 20 odd nerdy looking people .The meeting started. The founder and in charge of the organization started telling us how this organization came into being, how they had done some incredible social work, how  he  had been  honored in every country that is a part of the commonwealth and every country that is not.He went on for an hour. The people in that room had started bearing expressions ,which said   "go on, we stopped listening an hour ago”. Meanwhile I thought to myself, what the fuck was I doing there ,except for the fact that there were hot chicks in there. After the meeting they had a group discussion to plan for the various events which went somewhat like this.


…………………..."hey....ouchhh..........I say.......arrey,what listen to me ..............I think our propaganda..........that plantation program.......I have seen this ultimate video about cleaning in Estonia………….Estonia  my ass you fucker……………..how dare you call me a fucker,you whore………………..I personally believe in order to arrive at something  tangible we have to get rid of this boorish attitude, stop mucking up with the issues and  end this internecine sniping within the party…………………now why is that fucker talking in French………………………………………that ain’t  French you semi literate bitch……………………blah blah blah……………………………………fu@#................m@ther#@&*@#$....................teri maa ka..@#$@##..............................................

After 20 minutes of a fierce intellectual discussion the group failed to come to a conclusion. The leader of the pack however took control of the situation and laid down his ideas of what was to be done that year. Thus begun those 40 minutes of your life where you seriously start doubting the credibility of the timing devices around. The clocks and watches just didn’t seem like moving. It was 6 ‘o’ clock. On any other day, I would be listening to how one of my friends had an MMS of a former classmate or how my friend’s girlfriend wasn’t letting him bang her. But there I was, listening to much of what made  no sense to me. I focused on his speech for five minutes and then shifted my focus to ……….well, putting it modestly, the upper torso of the female body right in front of me. After he finished his speech, I started analyzing their plans. They were going  to plant trees on both sides of some highway, ask students from nearby English medium schools to come and read in a library they had created, and play tree man-a program where one of the volunteers dressed in a  tree costume roamed around in malls talking about importance of trees. I didn’t understand. I mean, what’s the point in planting trees on roads when Govt is going to cut them all within months in the name of road expansion. What’s the point in inviting children from upper middle class families to read, while millions of children are living a wretched life with no books, no food, no future. What’s the point in making some poor guy wear weird costumes and then make him roam in malls and ruin his chances of getting laid ever. Was it honest idiocrisy (as jay leno once said god must love idiots. He created so many of them) or was it deliberate hypocrisy.

I felt for those guys. Unfortunately, the feeling was nausea. Those guys like any other half baked self certified revolutionary were desperate. Desperate to help. Not some poor fellow being  but themselves. They were desperate to add meaning to their own nonexistent faceless state of being. This is a race to prove people that we are here, that we know and that we matter. The desperation in doing social service in youth is the same desperation they have to enter some shit show on MTV and get spanked by balding twins. The motive behind both these above endeavors  is same, the urgency to sound cool. Half a million good for nothing college students joined Anna Hazare page on facebook  hoping  some random chick would take notice and they would have a chance to score.

Some of my facebook friends are still supporting the Egypt revolution. Someone has probably forgotten to tell them that the revolution is long over. Same is the case with the gooks of the-you know what - organization and other so called youth movements where the need to respond to a social cause arises from self obsession.
And before I end, this “you know what “organization had some other baffling programs. The volunteers painted on public walls some weird stuff which nobody understood; though they strongly claimed they were on social issues. Those walls are currently being used by the local public for peeing. Another program was where people from different countries told stories to 8 year olds. Imagine an Israeli chick telling stories in English with a strong accent to children who can barely understand their own mother tongue .How the fuck did they pull that off, I could never know. I didn’t last that long.

{A SHORT MESSAGE TO MY FRIENDS OF” YOU KNOW WHAT” ORGANIZATION-it’s not cool to copy the logo of Navneet textbooks and the fat chick who was sitting next to me that day was smelling really bad. She should consider taking bath. Now you can all go back to your state of being pointless. Thank you}

cOnFuSioN,enGiNeERing,DebacLE!!!!

Some questions can be debated forever without any convincing answer, like whether Justin Bieber has got dick down his pants or tits under his shirt; or how on earth could  Dabaang be a hit. A similar question cropped up in my mind few days back. Should I have taken engineering as a career or could I have done better with my life. I was good in History, Geography or even English. I could have taken Arts. But the civil society of India refrains any self respected person securing more than 50% in his/her intermediate, from doing Arts. The Arts bracket now belongs to  guys who have decided to spend the rest of their lives off their dad’s  money to those unfortunate ones who couldn’t cheat enough to clear their +2 to those who have taken  the statement “education ruins intelligence” a bit too seriously.

 
Indian parents like Indian filmmakers, politicians and scientists lack originality and stuck to stereotype. Mine wanted me to study engineering. And I had to comply. However I had no idea that some 15, 93,763 odd dumbfucks also wanted to study engineering. The result was obvious. I didn’t get into the IITs, or the NITs, or the VIT or RV College or MS Ramiah or KIIT or Silicon or ITER or…………….OK STOP. The list is pretty long. My parents didn’t know what to do with my AIEEE rank which was also the population of Sikkim. The reasons of my failure were -  only 4896 seats in the IITs(hell,the tent house near my house has more number of seats),Late Mr. V P Singh’s political ambitions(the motherfucker introduced quota),tuition teachers who mugged up H C Verma  at night  and vomited  in front of us,Arihant books which were so costly I didn’t bother to buy them and of course my interest in college girls being a little more than the college books.

 
Amazingly after you have been rejected from each and every elite institution of the country you get a lot of choices in colleges. It is then pretty much like shopping for china made handsets. Looking at those colleges you can be sure that these colleges must have been designed by the students of those very colleges. There is therefore a cone shaped college, a pyramid shaped college, a cylinder shaped, and a brick shaped one and even some that roughly looked like male and female sex organs. Apparently the architects concerned had taken full liberty in molesting the college and the noble Euclidian Geometry with structural designs that wouldn’t have got approval even in Somalia. If there structures weren’t enough torture there was the names. Lovely, Maharaja, Black Diamond, Queen aren’t the names of Red Light areas around. They are the names engineering colleges. And the gals and guys studying there aren’t prostitutes and pimps though most of them might make you feel otherwise. Anyways I and my parents looked around for colleges that would be interested in taking me in. After much hassle a generous college was kind enough to grant me admission. My college, Krupajal, which by its name sounded more like Swami Nityanand ‘s ashram looked like BMC office in dire need of repair. It wasn’t exactly a “bhaiyaa ji smile” moment for me looking at my college. Nor did it help when my lecturers dictated notes in English only MLA’S of Bihar can relate to. But hell, fuck with it. My college and its cartoons require a 465 page novel on it which I am not interested in writing. Besides, I am not Chetan Bhagat who believes its cool banging your wife before marriage and the world deserves to know about it. The focus of this article is about private engineering colleges in my city and its students. Idiots from different spectrums of society gather in these colleges hoping that their nonexistent career and single digit marks will find some respect here.

 
 Students here can be divided into 2 broad categories. Boys and girls. (Other categories like gays, lesbians, transsexuals, cross dressers haven’t revealed themselves in public yet.)  Local girls hailing from places such as Kalahandi, Bolangir behave as if they are from Southampton or California. Girls from  Bihar behave like they are from Bihar. Then there are the guys. Three days into porn and they start believing that they are the most sophisticated guys on the plant. Wearing fake branded t shirts and embroidered jeans they roam around in second hand mopeds behaving like they deserve a hot girlfriend and a good fuck. Reality being tier -3 engineering students are like Nepali watchmen. People watch them but don’t take them seriously neither their job. 

 
Indian education system which hasn’t been taken seriously since Mountbatten died and Kapil Sibal’s deliberate experiments with education laws so that he can sit with Nidhi Razdan and explain why he fucked it up in the first place has left the engineering students and student fraternity of other fields well fucked with a curriculum that would make any decent educationist say” had you taken hashish when you were writing the syllabus. “Any ways after completing their degree the students from Orissa, Bihar go to Mumbai and likewise places to get thrashed by saffron wearing unemployed counterparts. Moral of the story is whether or not TCS has employed you as a part of its corporate social responsibility scheme,  your average Joe life as well as mine  sucks .Like it or not, we are all going to join the aam admi brigade.aam admi-the ones who cry each time onion price rises.

And finally…………………………………
 
No Google doesn’t visit my campus. No we are not a deemed university. My college didn’t have enough money to bribe the UGC guys. No I still do not  know the name of the chick who performed on star nite and yes her cleavage was visible.69% of the students of my university are still unemployed and yes engineering sucks.

DISCLAIMER:-The writer doesn’t intended to offend any community, caste ,religion or profession. All other shit that is displayed before a controversial movie is shown, is also included here. Besides a gentleman is one who can take a joke on him and not sulk……….or suck.

Love ,Backs aur Dhokhaa

I was in love. True love. Much like the previous 143 times. My college wasn’t exactly the hangout option for Gucci clad, 24 36 24 flaunting, fake accent shitting hotties. So, I had to spend  my entire  first year fantasizing about  women with hot gate pics on orkut(most of whom I later came to know were fake accounts).But much  like Yuvraj Singh’s form, Salman Khan’s list of girlfriends ,IMF’s policies and Jammu and Kashmir ‘s political status ,which have no father and mother to account for, and keep changing, my luck changed too. And thankfully, this time for the better, or so I thought. I saw her. Comp. Sc ,1st year. She wasn’t a looker exactly. But the victims of Ethiopian famine don’t go expecting cheese hamburgers, do they?


One bright morning I told myself, if I had to lose my virginity for free I had to hook up with a girl. Hence I mustered all my courage and I proposed her. And holy mother of god she said yes. That was the happiest day of my life .But my happiness did a somersault and jumped into Indian Ocean to drown when she suggested we go on our first date to CCD. Now, analysts have suggested that the real cause behind recession was places like Barista and CCD and evil women who forcefully dragged men to eat at those places causing huge budget deficit. I had heard scary bedtime stories from my granny about people who went to CCD and were unable to pay their bills. They were then made to wash utensils. I shuddered at the reality of those stories. We went on our first date.
She started talking  “look Bangalore is like ma second home. I go there every month. Bangalore is classy. Not like Bhubaneswar –dirty. Dirty Dirty Dirty.ma aunty went to like Italy and bought me a pair of like really cool stilettos.’…………...….there was this guy in 7th grade who like had a crush on me. He was like totally cool. He proposed me but then I said what the hell……………”.
 
She talked about things that that didn’t concern me, that didn’t concern her,that didn’t concern any person living or dead for that matters. While she was talking nonsense, I looked at the bill that had arrived. The bill amount was approximately equal to my annual pocket money. I had to pay the bill with the money I had kept for buying new undies .My older ones had big holes in them that left my genitals exposed. The realization of the fact that I had to compromise on my underwear   for a girl who was practically dumb didn’t help much. But that wasn’t a surprise after all. Researchers have found out that 97% of women have an IQ quotient that would put the entire humanity to shame.

The next  few months were pure torture. My transportation bills were more than sabita bhabi’s onion bills. My condition  was even worse than Lehman brothers and  Merlyn lynch put together.I was so broke that I had to take lift from autowallahs.i hadn’t seen my college  since ages.Most of my classmates refused to believe I was a student of that college.When results got out I found out I had managed a feat.Both my cgpa and no of backs I had were being represented by the same number-4.
But then one day I saw her roaming around with another guy.I confronted her.She replied”look you are a good guy.But you are dumb.half the stuff you said I never understood.plus you look like brian Murphy on a diet.and that bhanu ,he has  a pulsar 180.i think we should break up”
That was it.3 months of exploration of virtually every CCD that existed in Bhubaneswar,4 BACKS,3000 bucks of investment with no real return,no kiss,no grope,no………ah  .well leave it ………had ended this way…………………………...in my freedom.it felt like 15th august.pulsar 180 had saved my life.i prayed for that bhanu guy  and left .

Moral :girls are nuts.The phenomenon is universal.So,if you do  find a girl hot enough to compensate for the losses and if you have enough money left  after paying for vodka, back paper registrations, cheat paper Xeroxes ,do fall in love.
In an unrelated news pulsar 180 is a good bike.

OH GOD!!!!!!!! NO MORE RAHULs.........................

At about 9:30 pm yesterday after stealing pictures from Facebook profiles of college hotties who don’t give a shit about me, I started thinking about my nation’s future, corruption, terrorism, P. Chidambaram and Katrina Kaif. While thinking, I suddenly realized that corruption or terrorism weren’t India’s greatest threats. Or for that matters nor were swami Nityanand or Mayawati.(No No its not Pakistan, for a change)if years of corruption, terrorism, naxalism and congress weren’t enough the nation was and is being plagued by a category of harmless looking yet dangerous group of people; people bearing the name ‘RAHUL’. Though initially the brain child and probably the only original thing ever by Karan Johar(remember SRK in kuch kuch hota hai,k3g, etc ,etc……oh my god how many etcs………)this name has gone on to become the emblem of terror. I give you a few examples to justify my conclusion.



RAHUL ROY: Those who can’t recognize this name cannot be blamed, for the only people who can recall this name today are probably the person himself and his parents. Poor parents, they don’t have a choice, do they?Some thousands of years ago, in a different era, this guy was actually famous. From beetle shops to marriage parties, from auto rickshaws to town buses where ever I went, whichever mode of transport I took, the songs of this guy’s movies played nonstop. They were pure torture to genuine music lovers. It was like living in Auschwitz camps. The music was original copy work of Nadeem Shravan pirated straight 4m Pakistan. Zia ul Haq prodigies were planning a nuke attack for this but then the Chinese intelligence informed them that Indians are basically copycats .Everything from their movie scripts to their constitution is copied. They just can’t help copying. Hence, the Pakistanis cancelled their mission. Anyways Mr. Rahul disappeared 4m the face of the earth eventually saving us the torture.


RAHUL BHATT: relatively unknown son of an unknown director, Mahesh Bhatt (the man who owes his success to Quentin Tarantino’s movie DVDs) came to lime light when his affair with David Headly was made public. If being Mahesh Bhatt’s son wasn’t enough disgrace rahul joined big boss. His achievements include dating Headly and chance maaroing on Pakistani cricketer’s ex-girlfriend.(common dude, raise your standard)but his biggest achievement was his jokes which never cracked and made big boss suck more than it should have.


RAHUL MAHAJAN: The real inspiration behind Akshay Kumar’s laugh in a mobile commercial Rahul married a girl on TV. Pity he didn’t have his honeymoon there. Anyways besides ………………………..uhmmmmmmmmmm ……..well…………ok this guy didn’t do anything else save marrying ,whacking his wife ,get divorced and marrying again, and……………………..


RAHUL GANDHI :as smart as Sarah Palin, as handsome as Dino Morea, the true representative of youth in India(when the media made the statement of Rahul being the true representative of youth, which youth were they taking into account, the ones roaming in saalia saahi or what!!)Dropped twice from 2 prestigious universities and the guaranteed future P.M of the nation ,Rahul Gandhi has shown us the true ideology of modern India, that No matter how dumb you are if your dad is rich ,powerful and corrupt you will never fall.






(MORAL OR THE STORY: RAHULs ARE DANGEROUS AND IN SOME CASES PURE NUTS. SO STAY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Delhi CWG : Aal izzz Well!!!

Contrary to popular perception the commonwealth games brought more smiles than frustration in different ways to different people. The biggest beneficiaries were the athletes. Save SAF games, no other game gave Indians this big a scope of winning medals as the CWG.

This CWG, India won 101 medals playing against nations half of whose names mankind had never heard  of. (Try Eritrea, Gambia, Tokelau, Tonga, etc)Tennis players were very excited .This is what some of them had to say.

Somdev Devvarman said “first I thought it was my math’s score. Then I realized it was my CWG rank. I was shocked because my current men’s single ATP ranking is 27% more than the percentile of last year’s CAT topper. But all thanks to CWG, I was top seeded in the games.”

Sania Mirza was disappointed, though. She said “I do not know how I lost in the final. May be Shoaib’s form has affected me”. The Pakistanis complained saying “no matter how bad Shoaib’s form is, he is always better than Sania”. We agree. No matter how badly whoever plays whatever on mother earth, he will always be better than Sania. People who do not know tennis in this country (and that being a huge number) will always remember Sania as the fat model who once appeared in sprite ad and declined its sales by 39%.

Another person who came to lime light during these games was Paul Henry, who became world famous cracking the lamest jokes of all times. A friend of Paul on being interviewed said “Earlier Paul used to generate curiosity among people due to his uncanny similarity with Mickey mouse. But today he has proved himself. We all wish him success”. Rumor has it that Paul has been appointed by the Pope to crack similar jokes on Sylvio Berlusconi.

Our highly efficient intelligence agencies said “Paul Henry was actually an ISI agent, brought upon to tarnish the spirit of the games.”Pakistan dismissed these statements saying that it was an attempt to smudge their self respect and prestige one that has been upheld by the likes of Asif Ali Zardari and Pervez Musharraf and taken forward by Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif.

(Meanwhile Salman Butt complains” why am I the ‘butt’ of all jokes”.)

Indian housewives were happy too.” Main ghar me beth beth kar bore ho jaati thi.TV pe saas bahu ke serials badaa pakaa te the. Aise me kalmadiji na badaa sahara dia.unke ghotale ki khabar tv channels pe din raat dikhane lage.kasam se ye sab toh ballika badhu se bhi interesting tha. hamara to time pass ho gaya.”is what one of the house wives said.

So, apparently everyone was happy. Only people like me who didn’t get a penny of the $12 billion affair ended up as ‘Dickshits’.but we have kept our optimism high,as oppurtunities of turning this country into a squalor will keep on coming. Until then fellow satire writers, Dawn Fraser ,Mike fennel, Julia Gillard and Dani Samuels, sorry for your bitching didn’t amount to anything .The nation is busy rejoicing a victory which no one fucking cared.

AYODHYA LAND DISPUTE RESOLVED

In an unprecedented and rather surprising move both the parties involved in the Ayodhya land dispute case have agreed for reconciliation. Respecting Allahabad high court’s  plea for an amicable solution of the issue, representatives of both the groups had a meeting in which it was decided that the controversial piece of land will be used for the construction of an All India Institute of Terrorism. Members of RSS, VHP, Bajrang Dal ,Akhil Bharatiya Vidyarthi Parishad (ABVP)and Indian Mujahidin were major supporters of this move. One of the members of the Hindu wing, who looked more saffron than brown, thanks to his saffron dhoti, saffron tilak, saffron kurta, went to say “we are very happy over this development. After all this is the only common ground we could find.”
The Indian youth was actually going gung ho over this decision. And why not, terrorism after all is the single largest employment provider in the world today. So, all these illiterate poor guys who had nothing much to do, save remain hungry and unemployed will now be taken in to knock off some innocent looking people. One of the aspirants for the AIIT (All India Institute of Terrorism) told the media.”I was earlier trying for the police force. But then I realized that AIIT is a much better option. Here you get much better weapons than the police without the  botheration of a license. And if you perform well you have good chances of going to ‘phoren’, and work in luxury building s like WTC or the Taj hotel. They also fuckin pay better.”
  The only person who was not happy over this development was Mr. SAS Geelani who bluntly remarked-” Why is there no such institute in Kashmir. Kashmir valley has been under terrorism and insurgency for 6 decades yet   Ayodhya gets to be the place where this institute will come up. That is why I prefer Pakistan. Millions of Kashmiris are unemployed today. Had Kashmir been in Pakistan, they would have all joined ISI and dispatched to Afghanistan to bomb Karzai’s Govt. off and kill Indian contractors.”Omar Abdullah was also dissatisfied with the AIIT not being in Kashmir and as usual, blamed Indian Army for that.
But this plan had its own set of hiccups, the biggest of them being Suresh Kalmadi. Apparently Mr. Kalmadi had proposed Ayodhya to be the venue for the Olympics, if he won the bid to host  the 2016 Olympics. Skeptics were terrified that if Kalmadi won the bid (which he was actually good at) and started building stadia then  many more buildings would collapse after Babri ,and this time not many people will be needed to bring the structures down. So, the stakeholders of did a Putin, and banned Kalmadi from interfering in  Ayodhya  issue on legal grounds.(those interested in knowing how this was done may contact Vladimir Putin who kicked  Mikhail Kashyanov out of elections on legal grounds so that his ally Dmitri Medvedev could easily become the President of Russia.)
L.K. Advani echoed the sentiments of the country and said that this was a welcome step and further clarified that it had nothing to do with Uma Bharti’s return to BJP. He said that it would help us strengthen our relationship with our neighbours,China and Pakistan who would then become the two largest investors in this area.
RSS chief Mohan Rao Bhagwat was candid in his approach.He  said “earlier we were highly dissatisfied with Mr. Chidambaram’s  ‘Saffron Terror’ comments.We have been involved every major effort from Babri to Godhra  yet this man gets to do the nomenclature. But  this institute is a welcome move. Now we can work officially with lesser legal hiccups.”
(Ayodhya may not have shown us Ram but it has definitely given us  lot many Ravans.Lets see how the 30th September verdict changes Ayodhya and India as a whole.)

INDIA TODAY!!!!

IMAGES CONCEPTUALIZED BY PRATIK DAS

ideas are damn original