Love ,Backs aur Dhokhaa

I was in love. True love. Much like the previous 143 times. My college wasn’t exactly the hangout option for Gucci clad, 24 36 24 flaunting, fake accent shitting hotties. So, I had to spend  my entire  first year fantasizing about  women with hot gate pics on orkut(most of whom I later came to know were fake accounts).But much  like Yuvraj Singh’s form, Salman Khan’s list of girlfriends ,IMF’s policies and Jammu and Kashmir ‘s political status ,which have no father and mother to account for, and keep changing, my luck changed too. And thankfully, this time for the better, or so I thought. I saw her. Comp. Sc ,1st year. She wasn’t a looker exactly. But the victims of Ethiopian famine don’t go expecting cheese hamburgers, do they?


One bright morning I told myself, if I had to lose my virginity for free I had to hook up with a girl. Hence I mustered all my courage and I proposed her. And holy mother of god she said yes. That was the happiest day of my life .But my happiness did a somersault and jumped into Indian Ocean to drown when she suggested we go on our first date to CCD. Now, analysts have suggested that the real cause behind recession was places like Barista and CCD and evil women who forcefully dragged men to eat at those places causing huge budget deficit. I had heard scary bedtime stories from my granny about people who went to CCD and were unable to pay their bills. They were then made to wash utensils. I shuddered at the reality of those stories. We went on our first date.
She started talking  “look Bangalore is like ma second home. I go there every month. Bangalore is classy. Not like Bhubaneswar –dirty. Dirty Dirty Dirty.ma aunty went to like Italy and bought me a pair of like really cool stilettos.’…………...….there was this guy in 7th grade who like had a crush on me. He was like totally cool. He proposed me but then I said what the hell……………”.
 
She talked about things that that didn’t concern me, that didn’t concern her,that didn’t concern any person living or dead for that matters. While she was talking nonsense, I looked at the bill that had arrived. The bill amount was approximately equal to my annual pocket money. I had to pay the bill with the money I had kept for buying new undies .My older ones had big holes in them that left my genitals exposed. The realization of the fact that I had to compromise on my underwear   for a girl who was practically dumb didn’t help much. But that wasn’t a surprise after all. Researchers have found out that 97% of women have an IQ quotient that would put the entire humanity to shame.

The next  few months were pure torture. My transportation bills were more than sabita bhabi’s onion bills. My condition  was even worse than Lehman brothers and  Merlyn lynch put together.I was so broke that I had to take lift from autowallahs.i hadn’t seen my college  since ages.Most of my classmates refused to believe I was a student of that college.When results got out I found out I had managed a feat.Both my cgpa and no of backs I had were being represented by the same number-4.
But then one day I saw her roaming around with another guy.I confronted her.She replied”look you are a good guy.But you are dumb.half the stuff you said I never understood.plus you look like brian Murphy on a diet.and that bhanu ,he has  a pulsar 180.i think we should break up”
That was it.3 months of exploration of virtually every CCD that existed in Bhubaneswar,4 BACKS,3000 bucks of investment with no real return,no kiss,no grope,no………ah  .well leave it ………had ended this way…………………………...in my freedom.it felt like 15th august.pulsar 180 had saved my life.i prayed for that bhanu guy  and left .

Moral :girls are nuts.The phenomenon is universal.So,if you do  find a girl hot enough to compensate for the losses and if you have enough money left  after paying for vodka, back paper registrations, cheat paper Xeroxes ,do fall in love.
In an unrelated news pulsar 180 is a good bike.

OH GOD!!!!!!!! NO MORE RAHULs.........................

At about 9:30 pm yesterday after stealing pictures from Facebook profiles of college hotties who don’t give a shit about me, I started thinking about my nation’s future, corruption, terrorism, P. Chidambaram and Katrina Kaif. While thinking, I suddenly realized that corruption or terrorism weren’t India’s greatest threats. Or for that matters nor were swami Nityanand or Mayawati.(No No its not Pakistan, for a change)if years of corruption, terrorism, naxalism and congress weren’t enough the nation was and is being plagued by a category of harmless looking yet dangerous group of people; people bearing the name ‘RAHUL’. Though initially the brain child and probably the only original thing ever by Karan Johar(remember SRK in kuch kuch hota hai,k3g, etc ,etc……oh my god how many etcs………)this name has gone on to become the emblem of terror. I give you a few examples to justify my conclusion.



RAHUL ROY: Those who can’t recognize this name cannot be blamed, for the only people who can recall this name today are probably the person himself and his parents. Poor parents, they don’t have a choice, do they?Some thousands of years ago, in a different era, this guy was actually famous. From beetle shops to marriage parties, from auto rickshaws to town buses where ever I went, whichever mode of transport I took, the songs of this guy’s movies played nonstop. They were pure torture to genuine music lovers. It was like living in Auschwitz camps. The music was original copy work of Nadeem Shravan pirated straight 4m Pakistan. Zia ul Haq prodigies were planning a nuke attack for this but then the Chinese intelligence informed them that Indians are basically copycats .Everything from their movie scripts to their constitution is copied. They just can’t help copying. Hence, the Pakistanis cancelled their mission. Anyways Mr. Rahul disappeared 4m the face of the earth eventually saving us the torture.


RAHUL BHATT: relatively unknown son of an unknown director, Mahesh Bhatt (the man who owes his success to Quentin Tarantino’s movie DVDs) came to lime light when his affair with David Headly was made public. If being Mahesh Bhatt’s son wasn’t enough disgrace rahul joined big boss. His achievements include dating Headly and chance maaroing on Pakistani cricketer’s ex-girlfriend.(common dude, raise your standard)but his biggest achievement was his jokes which never cracked and made big boss suck more than it should have.


RAHUL MAHAJAN: The real inspiration behind Akshay Kumar’s laugh in a mobile commercial Rahul married a girl on TV. Pity he didn’t have his honeymoon there. Anyways besides ………………………..uhmmmmmmmmmm ……..well…………ok this guy didn’t do anything else save marrying ,whacking his wife ,get divorced and marrying again, and……………………..


RAHUL GANDHI :as smart as Sarah Palin, as handsome as Dino Morea, the true representative of youth in India(when the media made the statement of Rahul being the true representative of youth, which youth were they taking into account, the ones roaming in saalia saahi or what!!)Dropped twice from 2 prestigious universities and the guaranteed future P.M of the nation ,Rahul Gandhi has shown us the true ideology of modern India, that No matter how dumb you are if your dad is rich ,powerful and corrupt you will never fall.






(MORAL OR THE STORY: RAHULs ARE DANGEROUS AND IN SOME CASES PURE NUTS. SO STAY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Delhi CWG : Aal izzz Well!!!

Contrary to popular perception the commonwealth games brought more smiles than frustration in different ways to different people. The biggest beneficiaries were the athletes. Save SAF games, no other game gave Indians this big a scope of winning medals as the CWG.

This CWG, India won 101 medals playing against nations half of whose names mankind had never heard  of. (Try Eritrea, Gambia, Tokelau, Tonga, etc)Tennis players were very excited .This is what some of them had to say.

Somdev Devvarman said “first I thought it was my math’s score. Then I realized it was my CWG rank. I was shocked because my current men’s single ATP ranking is 27% more than the percentile of last year’s CAT topper. But all thanks to CWG, I was top seeded in the games.”

Sania Mirza was disappointed, though. She said “I do not know how I lost in the final. May be Shoaib’s form has affected me”. The Pakistanis complained saying “no matter how bad Shoaib’s form is, he is always better than Sania”. We agree. No matter how badly whoever plays whatever on mother earth, he will always be better than Sania. People who do not know tennis in this country (and that being a huge number) will always remember Sania as the fat model who once appeared in sprite ad and declined its sales by 39%.

Another person who came to lime light during these games was Paul Henry, who became world famous cracking the lamest jokes of all times. A friend of Paul on being interviewed said “Earlier Paul used to generate curiosity among people due to his uncanny similarity with Mickey mouse. But today he has proved himself. We all wish him success”. Rumor has it that Paul has been appointed by the Pope to crack similar jokes on Sylvio Berlusconi.

Our highly efficient intelligence agencies said “Paul Henry was actually an ISI agent, brought upon to tarnish the spirit of the games.”Pakistan dismissed these statements saying that it was an attempt to smudge their self respect and prestige one that has been upheld by the likes of Asif Ali Zardari and Pervez Musharraf and taken forward by Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif.

(Meanwhile Salman Butt complains” why am I the ‘butt’ of all jokes”.)

Indian housewives were happy too.” Main ghar me beth beth kar bore ho jaati thi.TV pe saas bahu ke serials badaa pakaa te the. Aise me kalmadiji na badaa sahara dia.unke ghotale ki khabar tv channels pe din raat dikhane lage.kasam se ye sab toh ballika badhu se bhi interesting tha. hamara to time pass ho gaya.”is what one of the house wives said.

So, apparently everyone was happy. Only people like me who didn’t get a penny of the $12 billion affair ended up as ‘Dickshits’.but we have kept our optimism high,as oppurtunities of turning this country into a squalor will keep on coming. Until then fellow satire writers, Dawn Fraser ,Mike fennel, Julia Gillard and Dani Samuels, sorry for your bitching didn’t amount to anything .The nation is busy rejoicing a victory which no one fucking cared.

AYODHYA LAND DISPUTE RESOLVED

In an unprecedented and rather surprising move both the parties involved in the Ayodhya land dispute case have agreed for reconciliation. Respecting Allahabad high court’s  plea for an amicable solution of the issue, representatives of both the groups had a meeting in which it was decided that the controversial piece of land will be used for the construction of an All India Institute of Terrorism. Members of RSS, VHP, Bajrang Dal ,Akhil Bharatiya Vidyarthi Parishad (ABVP)and Indian Mujahidin were major supporters of this move. One of the members of the Hindu wing, who looked more saffron than brown, thanks to his saffron dhoti, saffron tilak, saffron kurta, went to say “we are very happy over this development. After all this is the only common ground we could find.”
The Indian youth was actually going gung ho over this decision. And why not, terrorism after all is the single largest employment provider in the world today. So, all these illiterate poor guys who had nothing much to do, save remain hungry and unemployed will now be taken in to knock off some innocent looking people. One of the aspirants for the AIIT (All India Institute of Terrorism) told the media.”I was earlier trying for the police force. But then I realized that AIIT is a much better option. Here you get much better weapons than the police without the  botheration of a license. And if you perform well you have good chances of going to ‘phoren’, and work in luxury building s like WTC or the Taj hotel. They also fuckin pay better.”
  The only person who was not happy over this development was Mr. SAS Geelani who bluntly remarked-” Why is there no such institute in Kashmir. Kashmir valley has been under terrorism and insurgency for 6 decades yet   Ayodhya gets to be the place where this institute will come up. That is why I prefer Pakistan. Millions of Kashmiris are unemployed today. Had Kashmir been in Pakistan, they would have all joined ISI and dispatched to Afghanistan to bomb Karzai’s Govt. off and kill Indian contractors.”Omar Abdullah was also dissatisfied with the AIIT not being in Kashmir and as usual, blamed Indian Army for that.
But this plan had its own set of hiccups, the biggest of them being Suresh Kalmadi. Apparently Mr. Kalmadi had proposed Ayodhya to be the venue for the Olympics, if he won the bid to host  the 2016 Olympics. Skeptics were terrified that if Kalmadi won the bid (which he was actually good at) and started building stadia then  many more buildings would collapse after Babri ,and this time not many people will be needed to bring the structures down. So, the stakeholders of did a Putin, and banned Kalmadi from interfering in  Ayodhya  issue on legal grounds.(those interested in knowing how this was done may contact Vladimir Putin who kicked  Mikhail Kashyanov out of elections on legal grounds so that his ally Dmitri Medvedev could easily become the President of Russia.)
L.K. Advani echoed the sentiments of the country and said that this was a welcome step and further clarified that it had nothing to do with Uma Bharti’s return to BJP. He said that it would help us strengthen our relationship with our neighbours,China and Pakistan who would then become the two largest investors in this area.
RSS chief Mohan Rao Bhagwat was candid in his approach.He  said “earlier we were highly dissatisfied with Mr. Chidambaram’s  ‘Saffron Terror’ comments.We have been involved every major effort from Babri to Godhra  yet this man gets to do the nomenclature. But  this institute is a welcome move. Now we can work officially with lesser legal hiccups.”
(Ayodhya may not have shown us Ram but it has definitely given us  lot many Ravans.Lets see how the 30th September verdict changes Ayodhya and India as a whole.)

INDIA TODAY!!!!

IMAGES CONCEPTUALIZED BY PRATIK DAS

ideas are damn original

YEAR'S GREATEST DEBATE

scene 1:The clock shows 9.Newshour gets displayed on T.V. screens.Arnab Goswami 's face appears.(30 million people across the country say"oh God! not again!" and switch off their tv sets.)

Arnab Goswami: Tonight at Newshour we are going to debate the common wealth games scam and joining us are our panel of ...........uhmmmm .well! ...esteemed guests, Laloo Prasad Yadav,Mulayam Singh Yadav,Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwary,Shashi Tharoor and Suresh Kalmadi,the chairman of IOC & CWG organising commitee.let me start with you Kalmadiji. You are being held responsible for the cwg fiasco.What is your defense?What is your say on this issue.]

Suresh Kalmadi:(What will i say after digesting millions of bucks?let me do what every politician does on being cornerd)
                 I think there is Pakistan's hands in it.
                 
Arnab Goswami:  Sir,how can you blame them?   

Suresh Kalmadi: If they can blame us for anything and everything happening in their country from floods to match fixing to Zardari's common cold,why can't i?

Arnab Goswami:  Let me move over to Mulayamji.What is your take on this whole issue?

Mulayam Singh Yadav:    angrezi nahi chalegi.......angrezi hatao desh bachaao...........

Arnab Goswami: Sir ,but the topic is CWG not english education

Mulayam Singh Yadav:    angrezi nahi chalegi.......

Arnab Goswami: Sir, but...................

Mulayam Singh Yadav: ANGREZZZZZZZI    NAHIN CHHHAALLLEGIIIIIIIIII BOLL DIYE NAAAAAA......TO BOL DIYE.............
           
somewhere amidst the noises           
Manish Tiwary :Arnab i believe........(voice trailing off as nobody actually cares as to what he believes)

Arnab Goswami:    Sir,let me rebut you.............   

Laloo Prasad Yadav :Arre budbak.Hum kahe dete hain no slang,what is this  re'BUTT',re'BUTT'?  Tohaar ghar mein maa bahinn  naahi hai kya??
                    And what CWG you are talking about.......we want more salary otherwise consequences will be severe.

Arnab Goswami:(Literally crying out of frustration) For the last time the topic is CWG. now listen to me.........

Laloo Prasad Yadav :What listen to you......till today    i haven't listened to Rabri,Bihar's public,Railway workers or even Soniaji.I should have gone to ndtv's left,right& centre.Atleast Nidhi Razdan is hot.

Arnab Goswami: Tharoor sir can we have your opinion on this issue.   

Shashi Tharoor : CWG today has become an arduous task,with rivulets flowing out from the squalor of filth.The onus lies on those whose tones are still stentorian .The denouement of this saga we still await.

Arnab Goswami:?????

Laloo Prasad Yadav :??????

Mulayam Singh Yadav:??????

Manish Tiwary :???????

after exactly 90 seconds of confusion

Manish Tiwary :What did he  just say...........italian?

Laloo Prasad Yadav :How do i know?......Go ask your soniaji

Shashi Tharoor :I believe the time for penitence has passed long before.Things have got obfuscated & need to be emancipated from past's emasculation.The need of the hour is to avaler from cynicism and awaken ourselves to the tantamount task of creating an elixir for saving the games from a bad omen.

(17 different people bang their heads on their tables on hearing this.
  17 being the total no of people who actually dared to watch Arnab Goswami's show)
 
  Meanwhile with an "i give a fuck to whatever is happening over here " look Lalooji starts talking
  
  Laloo Prasad Yadav :How do we get rid of this Tharoor.Removing him from the ministry hasn't helped much.
 
 Manish Tiwary :I have an idea.Ban Twitter.He will die from heart attack .
  
  Laloo Prasad Yadav :By the way,Mulayamji why are you against angrezi.It is a means of development & progress.
 
 Mulayam Singh Yadav: Aree humka nahi naa aati hai angrezi.Angrezi chalegi to hum kyaa ghantaa chal payungaa.Beda garat hui jaayegaa sasuraa.
 
 Arnab Goswami:    Where the hell is Suresh Kalmadi?
 
TIMES NOW Crew Member : He ran away during the break.We tried to stop him,but then we were told that Suresh Kalmadi was actually Usain Bolt in make-up.Apparently Kalmadi had appointed him to impersonate him and answer people's questions and run away in sticky situations.That might probably be the reason why  Usain Bolt is not attending Delhi CWG.

 Arnab Goswami: Due to inexplicable circumstances  we are wrapping up for today.Gentleman thanks for joining.

 After the show a sad man  is found talking to himself
 Manish Tiwary :No one listens to me,not Soniaji not Pranabji ,Not Chidambaramji & not even that Deepak Courasia's english prototype.I am the most helpless guy in the congress afer Manmohan Singh. God save us both & if possible, the games.

I 'SHOE' YOU

It might have well become the new mascot of rebellion  and it has certainly increased unemployment concerns for AK-47's around the world.Poor guys no matter  how deadly they might be, they  have never been as successful as our hero.And guess what, it  also helped save my ass.After screwing up every campus interview i appeared for,it was pretty obvious to me that i was on my way of joining  millions of other gooks holding the banner"we've fucked ourselves.now lets blame it on the govt.-unemployed".But then the miracle happened.In case you have begun to feel i have smoked grass ,and have been  talking shit all this while,then dumbos i am talking about the most revolutionary weapons of all times-"the shoe".Now,shoe throwing started in Iraq and soon became a means of revolt, an open declaration of war against the system.But as it turned out,the shoe helped the victims more than the attackers.Be it George Bush or Omar Abdullah,    they all jumped from 4th page, bottom row, last column of the newspapers,straight to the front page with extra large photographs.In short their TRP increased exponentially.So much so, that Farooq Abdullah declared in public that he was proud his son was shoed, for he then joined the ranks of Bush & Zardari.I don't know why Mr. Abdullah was proud of his son being compared with Asif Ali Zardari.No, i am no cynic Indian allergic to the Pakistanis.It's just that i haven't forgotten Zardari's Mr. 10% stature yet. Anyhow,i decided to en cash this opportunity and became a contract shoer.Which in simple words means,i would shoe  public figures, who have become so obsolete that even their neighbours donot recognise them anymore,in public to redeem their lost fame.The idea was an instant hit.
       And all those politicians who wanted their not so fuckworthy faces to be up in the newspapers started dialing my number.And this is how it went.

Me :                    Hello. 

Mayawati's Secretary :    This is Mayawati's secretary calling.We are interested in   the       services  you are providing.We want you to shoe behenji in a public meeting. 

me :                    But why does she need to be shoed?
Mayawati's Secretary :  Behenji has done a lot of bhaigiri these days and yet her dreams of being a national figure remains unfulfilled.
                        Yesterday while she was jogging a man came to her and asked" bhaisab time kya hua?"That day she realized,forget face people didn't even recognize her gender.The Taj corridor case & erection of her statues all over U.P hasn't helped much.Now she needs some thing to give her world wide web.... err sorry fame.
   
Me :                     ok sir,your job will done.

The next call was from India's original villian /comedian/crook  neta Lalooji's office.

Laloo Yadav's P.A.:    Sirji we have heard you make people famous.Please make our Lalooji famous too.
Me :                               But Lalooji is already very famous. 

Laloo Yadav's P.A.:    No sirji.That was past.Present is very bad.Lalooji is in desperate need to be in people's eye.Why else do you think he was jumping like Jeetandra(minus the white boots) in the Parliament.He doesn't obviously want this pittance of a salary.He is a talented guy. He can make millions anyway.He has already shown his talent in chara ghotala scam & many others.What he wanted was attention.Mamata didi took railways from him & Nitish Kumar took Bihar from Rabriji.Since then, Lalooji has become an "aam admi".So "aam" that even the aam wallah doesn't give him footage.The only thing that is keeping him busy these days is Rabriji's night classes.He is taking her to night classes so that if she accidentally gets a ministry next time ,she  would at least be able to read her oath on her own.But sirji, if you don't help us, Lalooji's political career will go down the gutter.
                      
                       I agreed .And then i got another call.
           


Advani's P.A.:          Sir this is Advaniji's P.A.
Me :                           Advani who?
Advani's P.A.:         Former leader of BJP.
me :                           I thought that was Atalji who was the leader.
Advani's P.A.:        Sir remember "majboot neta nirnayak sarkaar".Atalji's sidekick.
                                 Please shoe him too.
Me :                        Yes, yes now i remember.But he hasn't done anything lately.What will i say?What   for i shoed him?


Advani's P.A.:        For the same reason, sir.For not doing anything.


I said yes to him.In fact i said yes to all of them.Whatever be their agenda our politicians are actually worthy of being shoed.But this made one thing clear. Politicians are that breed of dogs who can digest anything from guilt to shame to keep themselves alive.From Kashmir to Kalahandi they haven't left a single opportunity to politicize matters for their own interests at the bequest of innocent people(Rahul,Omar......listening??)