Delhi CWG : Aal izzz Well!!!

Contrary to popular perception the commonwealth games brought more smiles than frustration in different ways to different people. The biggest beneficiaries were the athletes. Save SAF games, no other game gave Indians this big a scope of winning medals as the CWG.

This CWG, India won 101 medals playing against nations half of whose names mankind had never heard  of. (Try Eritrea, Gambia, Tokelau, Tonga, etc)Tennis players were very excited .This is what some of them had to say.

Somdev Devvarman said “first I thought it was my math’s score. Then I realized it was my CWG rank. I was shocked because my current men’s single ATP ranking is 27% more than the percentile of last year’s CAT topper. But all thanks to CWG, I was top seeded in the games.”

Sania Mirza was disappointed, though. She said “I do not know how I lost in the final. May be Shoaib’s form has affected me”. The Pakistanis complained saying “no matter how bad Shoaib’s form is, he is always better than Sania”. We agree. No matter how badly whoever plays whatever on mother earth, he will always be better than Sania. People who do not know tennis in this country (and that being a huge number) will always remember Sania as the fat model who once appeared in sprite ad and declined its sales by 39%.

Another person who came to lime light during these games was Paul Henry, who became world famous cracking the lamest jokes of all times. A friend of Paul on being interviewed said “Earlier Paul used to generate curiosity among people due to his uncanny similarity with Mickey mouse. But today he has proved himself. We all wish him success”. Rumor has it that Paul has been appointed by the Pope to crack similar jokes on Sylvio Berlusconi.

Our highly efficient intelligence agencies said “Paul Henry was actually an ISI agent, brought upon to tarnish the spirit of the games.”Pakistan dismissed these statements saying that it was an attempt to smudge their self respect and prestige one that has been upheld by the likes of Asif Ali Zardari and Pervez Musharraf and taken forward by Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif.

(Meanwhile Salman Butt complains” why am I the ‘butt’ of all jokes”.)

Indian housewives were happy too.” Main ghar me beth beth kar bore ho jaati thi.TV pe saas bahu ke serials badaa pakaa te the. Aise me kalmadiji na badaa sahara dia.unke ghotale ki khabar tv channels pe din raat dikhane lage.kasam se ye sab toh ballika badhu se bhi interesting tha. hamara to time pass ho gaya.”is what one of the house wives said.

So, apparently everyone was happy. Only people like me who didn’t get a penny of the $12 billion affair ended up as ‘Dickshits’.but we have kept our optimism high,as oppurtunities of turning this country into a squalor will keep on coming. Until then fellow satire writers, Dawn Fraser ,Mike fennel, Julia Gillard and Dani Samuels, sorry for your bitching didn’t amount to anything .The nation is busy rejoicing a victory which no one fucking cared.

AYODHYA LAND DISPUTE RESOLVED

In an unprecedented and rather surprising move both the parties involved in the Ayodhya land dispute case have agreed for reconciliation. Respecting Allahabad high court’s  plea for an amicable solution of the issue, representatives of both the groups had a meeting in which it was decided that the controversial piece of land will be used for the construction of an All India Institute of Terrorism. Members of RSS, VHP, Bajrang Dal ,Akhil Bharatiya Vidyarthi Parishad (ABVP)and Indian Mujahidin were major supporters of this move. One of the members of the Hindu wing, who looked more saffron than brown, thanks to his saffron dhoti, saffron tilak, saffron kurta, went to say “we are very happy over this development. After all this is the only common ground we could find.”
The Indian youth was actually going gung ho over this decision. And why not, terrorism after all is the single largest employment provider in the world today. So, all these illiterate poor guys who had nothing much to do, save remain hungry and unemployed will now be taken in to knock off some innocent looking people. One of the aspirants for the AIIT (All India Institute of Terrorism) told the media.”I was earlier trying for the police force. But then I realized that AIIT is a much better option. Here you get much better weapons than the police without the  botheration of a license. And if you perform well you have good chances of going to ‘phoren’, and work in luxury building s like WTC or the Taj hotel. They also fuckin pay better.”
  The only person who was not happy over this development was Mr. SAS Geelani who bluntly remarked-” Why is there no such institute in Kashmir. Kashmir valley has been under terrorism and insurgency for 6 decades yet   Ayodhya gets to be the place where this institute will come up. That is why I prefer Pakistan. Millions of Kashmiris are unemployed today. Had Kashmir been in Pakistan, they would have all joined ISI and dispatched to Afghanistan to bomb Karzai’s Govt. off and kill Indian contractors.”Omar Abdullah was also dissatisfied with the AIIT not being in Kashmir and as usual, blamed Indian Army for that.
But this plan had its own set of hiccups, the biggest of them being Suresh Kalmadi. Apparently Mr. Kalmadi had proposed Ayodhya to be the venue for the Olympics, if he won the bid to host  the 2016 Olympics. Skeptics were terrified that if Kalmadi won the bid (which he was actually good at) and started building stadia then  many more buildings would collapse after Babri ,and this time not many people will be needed to bring the structures down. So, the stakeholders of did a Putin, and banned Kalmadi from interfering in  Ayodhya  issue on legal grounds.(those interested in knowing how this was done may contact Vladimir Putin who kicked  Mikhail Kashyanov out of elections on legal grounds so that his ally Dmitri Medvedev could easily become the President of Russia.)
L.K. Advani echoed the sentiments of the country and said that this was a welcome step and further clarified that it had nothing to do with Uma Bharti’s return to BJP. He said that it would help us strengthen our relationship with our neighbours,China and Pakistan who would then become the two largest investors in this area.
RSS chief Mohan Rao Bhagwat was candid in his approach.He  said “earlier we were highly dissatisfied with Mr. Chidambaram’s  ‘Saffron Terror’ comments.We have been involved every major effort from Babri to Godhra  yet this man gets to do the nomenclature. But  this institute is a welcome move. Now we can work officially with lesser legal hiccups.”
(Ayodhya may not have shown us Ram but it has definitely given us  lot many Ravans.Lets see how the 30th September verdict changes Ayodhya and India as a whole.)

INDIA TODAY!!!!

IMAGES CONCEPTUALIZED BY PRATIK DAS

ideas are damn original

YEAR'S GREATEST DEBATE

scene 1:The clock shows 9.Newshour gets displayed on T.V. screens.Arnab Goswami 's face appears.(30 million people across the country say"oh God! not again!" and switch off their tv sets.)

Arnab Goswami: Tonight at Newshour we are going to debate the common wealth games scam and joining us are our panel of ...........uhmmmm .well! ...esteemed guests, Laloo Prasad Yadav,Mulayam Singh Yadav,Congress spokesperson Manish Tiwary,Shashi Tharoor and Suresh Kalmadi,the chairman of IOC & CWG organising commitee.let me start with you Kalmadiji. You are being held responsible for the cwg fiasco.What is your defense?What is your say on this issue.]

Suresh Kalmadi:(What will i say after digesting millions of bucks?let me do what every politician does on being cornerd)
                 I think there is Pakistan's hands in it.
                 
Arnab Goswami:  Sir,how can you blame them?   

Suresh Kalmadi: If they can blame us for anything and everything happening in their country from floods to match fixing to Zardari's common cold,why can't i?

Arnab Goswami:  Let me move over to Mulayamji.What is your take on this whole issue?

Mulayam Singh Yadav:    angrezi nahi chalegi.......angrezi hatao desh bachaao...........

Arnab Goswami: Sir ,but the topic is CWG not english education

Mulayam Singh Yadav:    angrezi nahi chalegi.......

Arnab Goswami: Sir, but...................

Mulayam Singh Yadav: ANGREZZZZZZZI    NAHIN CHHHAALLLEGIIIIIIIIII BOLL DIYE NAAAAAA......TO BOL DIYE.............
           
somewhere amidst the noises           
Manish Tiwary :Arnab i believe........(voice trailing off as nobody actually cares as to what he believes)

Arnab Goswami:    Sir,let me rebut you.............   

Laloo Prasad Yadav :Arre budbak.Hum kahe dete hain no slang,what is this  re'BUTT',re'BUTT'?  Tohaar ghar mein maa bahinn  naahi hai kya??
                    And what CWG you are talking about.......we want more salary otherwise consequences will be severe.

Arnab Goswami:(Literally crying out of frustration) For the last time the topic is CWG. now listen to me.........

Laloo Prasad Yadav :What listen to you......till today    i haven't listened to Rabri,Bihar's public,Railway workers or even Soniaji.I should have gone to ndtv's left,right& centre.Atleast Nidhi Razdan is hot.

Arnab Goswami: Tharoor sir can we have your opinion on this issue.   

Shashi Tharoor : CWG today has become an arduous task,with rivulets flowing out from the squalor of filth.The onus lies on those whose tones are still stentorian .The denouement of this saga we still await.

Arnab Goswami:?????

Laloo Prasad Yadav :??????

Mulayam Singh Yadav:??????

Manish Tiwary :???????

after exactly 90 seconds of confusion

Manish Tiwary :What did he  just say...........italian?

Laloo Prasad Yadav :How do i know?......Go ask your soniaji

Shashi Tharoor :I believe the time for penitence has passed long before.Things have got obfuscated & need to be emancipated from past's emasculation.The need of the hour is to avaler from cynicism and awaken ourselves to the tantamount task of creating an elixir for saving the games from a bad omen.

(17 different people bang their heads on their tables on hearing this.
  17 being the total no of people who actually dared to watch Arnab Goswami's show)
 
  Meanwhile with an "i give a fuck to whatever is happening over here " look Lalooji starts talking
  
  Laloo Prasad Yadav :How do we get rid of this Tharoor.Removing him from the ministry hasn't helped much.
 
 Manish Tiwary :I have an idea.Ban Twitter.He will die from heart attack .
  
  Laloo Prasad Yadav :By the way,Mulayamji why are you against angrezi.It is a means of development & progress.
 
 Mulayam Singh Yadav: Aree humka nahi naa aati hai angrezi.Angrezi chalegi to hum kyaa ghantaa chal payungaa.Beda garat hui jaayegaa sasuraa.
 
 Arnab Goswami:    Where the hell is Suresh Kalmadi?
 
TIMES NOW Crew Member : He ran away during the break.We tried to stop him,but then we were told that Suresh Kalmadi was actually Usain Bolt in make-up.Apparently Kalmadi had appointed him to impersonate him and answer people's questions and run away in sticky situations.That might probably be the reason why  Usain Bolt is not attending Delhi CWG.

 Arnab Goswami: Due to inexplicable circumstances  we are wrapping up for today.Gentleman thanks for joining.

 After the show a sad man  is found talking to himself
 Manish Tiwary :No one listens to me,not Soniaji not Pranabji ,Not Chidambaramji & not even that Deepak Courasia's english prototype.I am the most helpless guy in the congress afer Manmohan Singh. God save us both & if possible, the games.

I 'SHOE' YOU

It might have well become the new mascot of rebellion  and it has certainly increased unemployment concerns for AK-47's around the world.Poor guys no matter  how deadly they might be, they  have never been as successful as our hero.And guess what, it  also helped save my ass.After screwing up every campus interview i appeared for,it was pretty obvious to me that i was on my way of joining  millions of other gooks holding the banner"we've fucked ourselves.now lets blame it on the govt.-unemployed".But then the miracle happened.In case you have begun to feel i have smoked grass ,and have been  talking shit all this while,then dumbos i am talking about the most revolutionary weapons of all times-"the shoe".Now,shoe throwing started in Iraq and soon became a means of revolt, an open declaration of war against the system.But as it turned out,the shoe helped the victims more than the attackers.Be it George Bush or Omar Abdullah,    they all jumped from 4th page, bottom row, last column of the newspapers,straight to the front page with extra large photographs.In short their TRP increased exponentially.So much so, that Farooq Abdullah declared in public that he was proud his son was shoed, for he then joined the ranks of Bush & Zardari.I don't know why Mr. Abdullah was proud of his son being compared with Asif Ali Zardari.No, i am no cynic Indian allergic to the Pakistanis.It's just that i haven't forgotten Zardari's Mr. 10% stature yet. Anyhow,i decided to en cash this opportunity and became a contract shoer.Which in simple words means,i would shoe  public figures, who have become so obsolete that even their neighbours donot recognise them anymore,in public to redeem their lost fame.The idea was an instant hit.
       And all those politicians who wanted their not so fuckworthy faces to be up in the newspapers started dialing my number.And this is how it went.

Me :                    Hello. 

Mayawati's Secretary :    This is Mayawati's secretary calling.We are interested in   the       services  you are providing.We want you to shoe behenji in a public meeting. 

me :                    But why does she need to be shoed?
Mayawati's Secretary :  Behenji has done a lot of bhaigiri these days and yet her dreams of being a national figure remains unfulfilled.
                        Yesterday while she was jogging a man came to her and asked" bhaisab time kya hua?"That day she realized,forget face people didn't even recognize her gender.The Taj corridor case & erection of her statues all over U.P hasn't helped much.Now she needs some thing to give her world wide web.... err sorry fame.
   
Me :                     ok sir,your job will done.

The next call was from India's original villian /comedian/crook  neta Lalooji's office.

Laloo Yadav's P.A.:    Sirji we have heard you make people famous.Please make our Lalooji famous too.
Me :                               But Lalooji is already very famous. 

Laloo Yadav's P.A.:    No sirji.That was past.Present is very bad.Lalooji is in desperate need to be in people's eye.Why else do you think he was jumping like Jeetandra(minus the white boots) in the Parliament.He doesn't obviously want this pittance of a salary.He is a talented guy. He can make millions anyway.He has already shown his talent in chara ghotala scam & many others.What he wanted was attention.Mamata didi took railways from him & Nitish Kumar took Bihar from Rabriji.Since then, Lalooji has become an "aam admi".So "aam" that even the aam wallah doesn't give him footage.The only thing that is keeping him busy these days is Rabriji's night classes.He is taking her to night classes so that if she accidentally gets a ministry next time ,she  would at least be able to read her oath on her own.But sirji, if you don't help us, Lalooji's political career will go down the gutter.
                      
                       I agreed .And then i got another call.
           


Advani's P.A.:          Sir this is Advaniji's P.A.
Me :                           Advani who?
Advani's P.A.:         Former leader of BJP.
me :                           I thought that was Atalji who was the leader.
Advani's P.A.:        Sir remember "majboot neta nirnayak sarkaar".Atalji's sidekick.
                                 Please shoe him too.
Me :                        Yes, yes now i remember.But he hasn't done anything lately.What will i say?What   for i shoed him?


Advani's P.A.:        For the same reason, sir.For not doing anything.


I said yes to him.In fact i said yes to all of them.Whatever be their agenda our politicians are actually worthy of being shoed.But this made one thing clear. Politicians are that breed of dogs who can digest anything from guilt to shame to keep themselves alive.From Kashmir to Kalahandi they haven't left a single opportunity to politicize matters for their own interests at the bequest of innocent people(Rahul,Omar......listening??)

                   

MY DREAM JOB.(UNFORTUNATELY A TRUE STORY)

                              

                                      blogadda.com
  
                                        pringoo.com                 
              
Dreaming about a dream job had never occurred to me. May be i was too busy for the last 16 years ruining my career that i hadn't given it much thought.But when suddenly this idea struck me,i started pondering as to what my dream job should be.There are around 25 lakh different types of jobs 99% of which i am not qualified for.And when you are in a third grade engineering college with crap marks & a ruined future you are not left with many options.Nevertheless, i started thinking about different jobs comparing their pros against their cons to ultimately decide my dream job.Suddenly i had my first option: To be a politician.

Now,you should be a politician because :

1. It's the only job that doesn't require a mark sheet.And given the academics i have this would probably be my best option.
2.The only job where you don't actually have to do much and yet you earn a lot of money.
3. The only job that puts you on tv and newspapers giving you the status of a celeb.Doesn't matter if your face resembles a puckered tomato.
   But the stereotyped Indian within me who loathes politicians as if it were his birth right ,put  brakes on my dreams.
   "Dude,better be unemployed than be a politician"-he said.
   So,i had to explore other options. then, i suddenly suddenly remembered my childhood passion of becoming a rock star.
  
   You should be a rock star because:
  
  It's the only job where you can jump around like a mad man in front of a million people in the weirdest costume civilization has ever witnessed,singing something(read screaming) no one actually understands and yet be regarded cool.
 
  I was so inspired by the likes of Jimi Hendrix that i had started pursuing my dream career by singing & composing rock music,when i was 11 years old.The effect of my efforts was that the sales of amrutanjan in the neighborhood shot up by 25%.My dad told me that if i wanted humanity not to evade my colony i should better stop. So, i had to let go of my dream.
   Now back to ground zero while i was still searching for my dream job ,i suddenly got it.The mother of all career options. To be a footballer.
   
    You should be a footballer because(well, the real question is why would anyone not want to be a footballer!):
   
    You get a million dollar paycheck.One of the world's hottest girl becomes your girlfriend.There are around  6 billion people
   literally worshiping you.And for what? Because you know how how to kick a ball a little better than others do.
  
   There was a small problem achieving this goal.I don't know how to kick the ball.Let alone me ,the whole of India doesn't know how to kick a ball. Don't believe me? Check out India's ranking in football.
  
   So,these were some of my aspirations that didn't materialize.Now,i am headed to be in the world's most boring job.Yeah you guessed it right.I am about to become an engineer.A job where there are no challenges, no passion involved.You aren't actually going to change the world.You are working day & night so that some fat man earns a billion bucks out of you & other losers like you.
  Guys i couldn't be in my dream job.Hope you get to be in yours.

My Love is Gone..........(courtesy Khap)

 For those of you who think titanic was the most tragic love story ever, think again!!Because mine will make you wail(mind you wail & not cry) in pain. I am a 21 year old guy of Haryana who by pure chance managed to hook up with two hotties.But may be destiny didn't like the idea that a nerdy loser like me gets two bombs as girlfriends.So, it bombed me instead.Both of them broke up with me & this time the fault was not of my own.The reason being one of them was of my gotra,the other was not of my caste.The khaps had banned such dangerous activities for the betterment of society(this was an irony in case you didn't get the joke.)They had promised,if i married any of them,they would gift us free tickets to heaven.Apparently both the girls had planned for more earthly trips.So,they ditched me.Frustrated i went to the khap panchayat to complain.
                 'Whats' your problem?'    -asked the khaps.
   'See sir,i am a 21 year old guy deep in trouble because of you.Since the day i achieved sexual maturity i have been hitting on girls with a frequency ,which if could be scientifically quantified would run into some 1000Hz.But my failure rate was bang on 100%.Why?Because physically i am underweight by some 25kg.Which means i more or less look like  Naomi Campbell minus the face & the tits.I have around 20,000 pimples on my face &    my front tooth is broken.Academically i have been securing "D"s in most of my subjects for the last three years.In simple words i am a loser on that front too.So,no straight headed girl would ever fall for me.But in spite of all these glitches, one glorious day i managed to net not one but two hot chicks.Now because of your stupid rules i am going to lose them both.'
           'How?'-they asked,confused.
    'See, i want to marry one of them.But one is of my gotra,the second beauty belongs to another caste.And according to your rules i cant marry any of them.'
       'Well,thats true.You wont be allowed to marry any of them'-one of them answered flatly.
      'But why?'-i asked,desperate.
'Because marriage within the gotra is incestuous'-the khap replied.
     'Then marriage outside the caste is all the more justified     coz it rules out any chances of incest.'-i rebutted.
'Shut up!Don't play games with us.These rules brought us prestige & fame'.
'what fame guys.you are hated by people all over the nation'-i said
'But we are popular,nevertheless.We are more famous than ManmohanSingh.'came the reply.     
'Big deal. Every second guy in india is more famous when compared with Manmohan Singh.'-i said.
'Dont irritate us with your stupid talks.Do whatever you want to do,wherever you want to do but not here'.they said angrily.
                    But where would i go.To Rajashthan where searching for a chick is like searching for penguins in North Pole,thanks to their "no girl child ever" policy.(for those dumb asses who failed to understand the joke,penguins are not seen in north pole. they are found in south pole.Now don't ask me why,i dont know that either.).Or to Maharashtra where if Raj Thackeray somehow finds out that a non Marathi is out there trying to romance a Marathi girl, he will kick me so hard that i will land in Sri Lanka.Talking of Sri Lanka could i find love there.How could a country give me love when it could not love its own people.A country which even today, couldn't give the Tamils their respect their dignity in their own country,couldn't obviously be my destination of love.
                    Suddenly world seemed a small place with very few places which could solve my problem.Self proclaimed guardians seemed to be everywhere with their own set of rules & punishments.How many of them could i escape .
        I was no hindi film hero who would fight for his love to death.So, i bowed before the khap & let go of my love.May be it was my destiny,may be i was too weak to fight back.1068 people were killed trying to defy khap this year. I didnot want to be the 1069th one.

Okay guys as you might have guessed by now this is a fake story.There were a lot of lies in it.The biggest of them being i managed to hook up with two hotties.Common guys ,how could you buy that.May be you haven't seen my photo yet.But the issue  i was trying to address remains unfudged.This was supposed to be a democracy.But here humanity is shattered every day in the name of honor.And for God's sake don't call them honor killings.There is no honor in taking lives of innocent people for your fake dignity & politics.