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Dreaming about a dream job had never occurred to me. May be i was too busy for the last 16 years ruining my career that i hadn't given it much thought.But when suddenly this idea struck me,i started pondering as to what my dream job should be.There are around 25 lakh different types of jobs 99% of which i am not qualified for.And when you are in a third grade engineering college with crap marks & a ruined future you are not left with many options.Nevertheless, i started thinking about different jobs comparing their pros against their cons to ultimately decide my dream job.Suddenly i had my first option: To be a politician.
Now,you should be a politician because :
1. It's the only job that doesn't require a mark sheet.And given the academics i have this would probably be my best option.
2.The only job where you don't actually have to do much and yet you earn a lot of money.
3. The only job that puts you on tv and newspapers giving you the status of a celeb.Doesn't matter if your face resembles a puckered tomato.
But the stereotyped Indian within me who loathes politicians as if it were his birth right ,put brakes on my dreams.
"Dude,better be unemployed than be a politician"-he said.
So,i had to explore other options. then, i suddenly suddenly remembered my childhood passion of becoming a rock star.
You should be a rock star because:
It's the only job where you can jump around like a mad man in front of a million people in the weirdest costume civilization has ever witnessed,singing something(read screaming) no one actually understands and yet be regarded cool.
I was so inspired by the likes of Jimi Hendrix that i had started pursuing my dream career by singing & composing rock music,when i was 11 years old.The effect of my efforts was that the sales of amrutanjan in the neighborhood shot up by 25%.My dad told me that if i wanted humanity not to evade my colony i should better stop. So, i had to let go of my dream.
Now back to ground zero while i was still searching for my dream job ,i suddenly got it.The mother of all career options. To be a footballer.
You should be a footballer because(well, the real question is why would anyone not want to be a footballer!):
You get a million dollar paycheck.One of the world's hottest girl becomes your girlfriend.There are around 6 billion people
literally worshiping you.And for what? Because you know how how to kick a ball a little better than others do.
There was a small problem achieving this goal.I don't know how to kick the ball.Let alone me ,the whole of India doesn't know how to kick a ball. Don't believe me? Check out India's ranking in football.
So,these were some of my aspirations that didn't materialize.Now,i am headed to be in the world's most boring job.Yeah you guessed it right.I am about to become an engineer.A job where there are no challenges, no passion involved.You aren't actually going to change the world.You are working day & night so that some fat man earns a billion bucks out of you & other losers like you.
Guys i couldn't be in my dream job.Hope you get to be in yours.
'Whats' your problem?' -asked the khaps.
'See sir,i am a 21 year old guy deep in trouble because of you.Since the day i achieved sexual maturity i have been hitting on girls with a frequency ,which if could be scientifically quantified would run into some 1000Hz.But my failure rate was bang on 100%.Why?Because physically i am underweight by some 25kg.Which means i more or less look like Naomi Campbell minus the face & the tits.I have around 20,000 pimples on my face & my front tooth is broken.Academically i have been securing "D"s in most of my subjects for the last three years.In simple words i am a loser on that front too.So,no straight headed girl would ever fall for me.But in spite of all these glitches, one glorious day i managed to net not one but two hot chicks.Now because of your stupid rules i am going to lose them both.'
'How?'-they asked,confused.
'See, i want to marry one of them.But one is of my gotra,the second beauty belongs to another caste.And according to your rules i cant marry any of them.'
'Well,thats true.You wont be allowed to marry any of them'-one of them answered flatly.
'But why?'-i asked,desperate.
'Because marriage within the gotra is incestuous'-the khap replied.
'Then marriage outside the caste is all the more justified coz it rules out any chances of incest.'-i rebutted.
'Shut up!Don't play games with us.These rules brought us prestige & fame'.
'what fame guys.you are hated by people all over the nation'-i said
'But we are popular,nevertheless.We are more famous than ManmohanSingh.'came the reply.
'Big deal. Every second guy in india is more famous when compared with Manmohan Singh.'-i said.
'Dont irritate us with your stupid talks.Do whatever you want to do,wherever you want to do but not here'.they said angrily.
But where would i go.To Rajashthan where searching for a chick is like searching for penguins in North Pole,thanks to their "no girl child ever" policy.(for those dumb asses who failed to understand the joke,penguins are not seen in north pole. they are found in south pole.Now don't ask me why,i dont know that either.).Or to Maharashtra where if Raj Thackeray somehow finds out that a non Marathi is out there trying to romance a Marathi girl, he will kick me so hard that i will land in Sri Lanka.Talking of Sri Lanka could i find love there.How could a country give me love when it could not love its own people.A country which even today, couldn't give the Tamils their respect their dignity in their own country,couldn't obviously be my destination of love.
Suddenly world seemed a small place with very few places which could solve my problem.Self proclaimed guardians seemed to be everywhere with their own set of rules & punishments.How many of them could i escape .
I was no hindi film hero who would fight for his love to death.So, i bowed before the khap & let go of my love.May be it was my destiny,may be i was too weak to fight back.1068 people were killed trying to defy khap this year. I didnot want to be the 1069th one.
Okay guys as you might have guessed by now this is a fake story.There were a lot of lies in it.The biggest of them being i managed to hook up with two hotties.Common guys ,how could you buy that.May be you haven't seen my photo yet.But the issue i was trying to address remains unfudged.This was supposed to be a democracy.But here humanity is shattered every day in the name of honor.And for God's sake don't call them honor killings.There is no honor in taking lives of innocent people for your fake dignity & politics.
I took an auto & i found a 'bengali bhadralok' sitting there.He was blabbering to himself.-"this kontryyyyyy haaaas gonnnnn to dogs.udibabbaaaa!!!loooook at theeeeeeeeeeeese dartyyy estreets....govarmente iss ussuless".Saying this he threw approximately 500ml of red spit into the already colored roads adding his own touch to them."Congrats uncle you just gained membership to the extremely prestigious club who contribute their valuable spit to the roads increasing their aura further."-i whispered
"what"-he roared.
"Nothing.You continue uncle" -i replied flatly.
He looked at me as if i was some worthless piece of shit not worth caring(which i actually was) & looked the other side continuing his blabbering.
A few minutes later i got rid of the auto & also the uncle.By the time i left him he had covered half the problems faced by independent india & his spit had covered half the road area from Rajmahal to forum mart.
I went straight to the mall ,took an ice cream & started looking for girls.While still on search mode i saw faces;lot many faces,angry ,frustrated ,complaining about one thing or the other.(Basically i am not much into studies.So,it gives me enough time to ponder about things which do not come under my area of concern)
If you have the capability to look into every person in detail you will find 110 crore people pointing fingers at each other.
We are not a happy country.We are frustrated because the govt. is not working properly, because the price of anything that comes under our range of vision will give Burj Dubai a run for its money.We are not happy because the roads have more potholes than there are stars in the sky,because every legal activity here begins with an illegal activity(under the table business,you see) because the cities more or less look like large dustbins,because justice here has become Alphonso mangoes-not easily available.there are so many 'because's in our system that if a tortoise was asked to read them out he won't be able to complete the list within his lifetime.Mind you,tortoises live for 180 years.we have been unhappy for so many years that it has become a state of being.What is the cause of our frustration?Why is everything so screwed here?
Start making a list of all the defects in the system & start reading it upside down.(not literally assholes)It will go some what like this.We are unhappy because we are downright corrupt,because we believe that public property is our in-laws property,because we are highly inspired by the movie's dialogue"rules are meant to be broken"and follow it to the earnest,because our political structure is a reflection of our own attitude & morals,because the shambles we are in is a product of our own actions.
The idea of victimization doesn't sound so convincing after all.The hand that stabbed us is our own.Who are you blaming? Who are you pointing your finger at?By blaming the system you are actually kicking your own ass because the system itself is all but you.Remove the complaint box hanging by your neck & look into others' complaint box.You will find your name in it.Start cleaning up the complains piled at your doorstep & you might have a better tomorrow.
As these Che Guevara type thoughts were bungee jumping in my brain i saw Mayanti Langer's doppelganger cross me.My brain quickly recycled my thoughts which now had started scanning girls around me.I threw the wrapper of the ice cream into the street & ran for Mayanti.The wrapper lay there amidst other wrappers thrown by millions of those so called responsible citizens of the nation.
We all are hypocrites.Ain't we?
